see me

do you really like me? that’s something i ask myself frequently.

i often fail to put my trust into anything other than myself. that’s when i listen to shojo A, and ask myself if i need you as a person, or just as a therapist. like a psychopath i’m looking at my phone every five seconds, simply because i can’t handle invalidation. i think like a man, and it’s ruining my social life, i think like a motherfucking man.

so tell me, do you really enjoy my presence, darling? because i keep thinking about march twentyseven, wherein i drowned in an ocean of narcissism again. i remember furiously writing pathetic into my notes, a wave that keeps hitting the boat i worked all my life on made me drown all the way to the ground again. and now i’m thinking about how i worked so incredibly hard on hiding my feelings, keep everything i deal with hush hush, and realise that everything will end in rage anyway.

dependence always ends in heartbreak, i know that too well. so why?

why do i love too hard, give too much, need too bad, say too much? i do too much, it’s not enough for me. i’m opening another bottle, simply because i need more. i’m swimming a little bit deeper, simply because i need more. and so, what about the million tears that were marking my shirt because i feel way too pathetic for this world, way too pathetic to even deserve attention? i’m a lost child in a world so connected. because darling, give me more, everybody has someone that truly loves them, and i don’t know if i’m apart of that world. i’m not, i don’t, and i can’t. i’m angry, fuck, because i will never have what they have, i will never live life the way they do.

and so, i’m on my own. though i remember the amount of times i was sobbing in my room, begging for somebody to truly see me, i always kept it to myself.

i don’t know how to tell somebody what’s going on in my head. it’s scary, i’m scary, i don’t know how they will react after they find out. and now i’m thinking about how a part of me isn’t good, it’s dark blue and slowly dying, but no way i’m saying something, i love self sabotage.

oh yeah, i’m slamming my head into a wall because i said the wrong thing again.

i feel pathetic. born to be desired has a totally different meaning by now, because no one desires me, do you understand? do you understand me? i don’t know what’s going on in my head, but i want you, and i need you. i need you to love me, but it’s cringe, and i’m cringe. i answer texts too quickly. a piece of my heart, it’s so mad, it’s your guilty pleasure. my soul is the most beautiful chaos you will ever see, two paths lead into the future and i can’t walk on both.

fuck stability, i’m a puzzle. i’m sick and tired of choosing between good or bad, find the virtue in the middle of the two extremes.

-v

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