Drumpf Attacked on Mall

Denies allegations he staged “a Smollett”

“I shut down the government, tell Congress to f**k themselves with an emergency, walk away from the North Korean summit and the black mother f**ker still gets more coverage?” he fumed last week. “These media stunts are ruining the country.”

Which is why Drumpf cancelled his scheduled media stunts and replaced them with the Drumpf Smollett, a variation of the Jussie intended insure his reelection in 2020. Or would have, had he learned to hire someone competent to run his staff. But Drumpf doesn’t like hiring people more competent than him, as Rex Tillerson, John Kelly and screw ups like Paul Manaforte learned.

This morning Drumpf spoke at his first official briefing in months sporting two black eyes, severe bruising on his jaw and rope burns around his neck. “I know this will shock every American, but even their own President isn’t safe from these violent, illegal, liberal left-wing attacks on good, God-fearing, Bible signing white Americans, like the Bibles I will sign for you for $299.95, which come with the guaranteed blessing of at least three real, honest-to-Jesus televangelists. Or $399.95 for the blessing of a rabbi because Jews charge more and give you less. Trust me I would know, because I love the Jews, a lot. It’s the Democrats that hate Jews. If it was up to the Democrats all the Jews would have to work regular day jobs like the rest of us instead of leeching the money from our bank accounts, that’s how much they hate Jews, who are protected by Republicans from Democratic hate speech even though the Arabs have the oil and all the Jews export is olives. Remember that.”

He rubbed his eye to express his pain, inadvertently wiping some of the cheap black-eye makeup onto his fingers.

“I was assaulted while walking in the Rose Garden, while protected by a helpless Secret Service exposed by the lack of funding for my border wall. These weren’t muggers they were immigrants wearing Antifa hats and shouting, ‘Death to all white men. Even the women.’ My interpreters were able to translate because I remembered every word they said even though it was in Antifa Mexican, which is why I don’t need my interpreter to take notes when I meet with Vlad and Kim. Because I have a Photoshop memory. No one has a better memory than me.”

He described how a dozen attackers swarmed him. Two held down the six members of his Secret Service detail while the other thirty six kicked him, beat him with lead pipes, tied a noose around his neck and dragged him around the White House lawn with their Caravan mini-bus.

Unfortunately for Drumpf, CNN had already found Mall security tapes of White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders leaving an Ace Hardware store with the ropes and lead pipe identical to those Drumpf described as belonging to his attackers. Store security shows Sanders paying with the White House credit card and shopping from a list with Drumpf’s initials.

They played the Sanders video in an overlay window while Drumpf spoke.

Both Drumpf and Sanders denied her shopping had anything to do with his attack. Sanders claims the supplies were for her husband “to fix the link under the sink, which as everyone knows requires a lot of rope.”

Drumpf told reporters, “There was no collusion between me and Jessie, who I call Jessie. I’ve never met the man, if that’s what a gay man calls himself. I don’t know, I always thought gay men thought they were women which is why I call Jessie, Jazzie Jessie and Just Plain Dumb Jessie. Remember, he’s an actor, one who can’t even convince the FOX Network to pay him. He can’t be that good. They pay their good actors like Tucker Carlson, who’s a victim of Fake News, let me tell you, and Sean Hannity a great wage, four or five times what they pay their blondes. So how good could Jessie be? I’m a professional businessman who runs the most powerful country in the world. There’s no way I would screw up something so simple.”

Something so simple as ordering professional makeup instead of the cheapest makeup online at Walmart. “We wanted to get the kind of makeup the Hollywood FX people use for prosthetics,” a White House staff member admitted. “But Drumpf told us Americans are rubes and wouldn’t know the difference.”

Other staff members were surprised Drumpf was mad that Smollett garnered so much coverage. “We thought all that bad press for a black homo, I mean, actor of color would delight the racist S.O.B,” B.G. Kizzazz, Chief of Staff Steve Mnuchin’s assistant deputy, told The Haven. “The news gave the nation someone sleazier than him. Or, at least, someone who has the potential to be sleazier if he doesn’t spend the rest of his life in jail. Instead he’s pissed that someone outhogged his cameras.”

While The Haven might question whether “outhog” is a word, we can’t deny that Drumpf has mentored many Americans in his own media-grabbing methods. “As much as he hates Ilhan Omar, when you look at her game, she’s taken every play from his book,” Kizzazz added. “It’s like looking into a mirror and seeing the black muslim immigrant version of Drumpf being Drumpf. And it pisses him off.”

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