In A Better Place

What’s your earliest memory of death and loss?

Trigger Warning: Mentions of the death of loved ones.

We recently observed All Souls Day, which made me think about everyone in my life who has gone. The fact that I can recall almost each of their passing is an actual nightmare.

Being around extended family all my life has played a huge part in my self-development. I grew up with both parents. I was also blessed to have spent some time with their parents or my grandparents from both sides. My siblings and I spent most of our vacations either with the maternal or the paternal side of the family. We occasionally switched back and forth between the two sides as well.

The number of losses that my family has endured on both sides in the previous years is too much, unfortunately. Each of us has suffered the loss of a parent, friend, cousin, grandparent, uncle, mother, grandmother, or aunt.

My earliest memory of loss was the passing of my cousin from an illness, which happened when I was between 10 and 13 years old. We were in the same age group so not only was she a cousin but also a good friend of mine. I don’t remember crying or feeling a huge amount of sadness, which I believe was a result of my narrow understanding of the concept of death at the time but I did have a lot of thoughts and questions in my head. More than anything else, I had a lot of curiosity at the time.

“She looked different,” I thought as I was staring at her lying inside a casket.

In the end, I do recall being comforted by the thought of her going to Heaven and how she’s in a much better place. That’s what the adults told us, after all.

When I lost my lolo, then my lola, my grandfather, and my uncles quite sometime after, I remember thinking the same thing. They were ultimately good people, at least based on my memories of them, so they’re for sure going to “the better place.” My mind and emotions were sufficiently relieved and at rest with that thought.

However, since I was no longer a stranger to death or suffering, I had lost my curiosity. I was older and wiser (highly debatable, but regardless). Now, I avoid getting close to the caskets at funerals because I don’t want to see the individuals whom I knew in that state. I didn’t want my last thoughts of them to be how lifeless they looked. A clear remembrance of each of them as being alive is much preferable.

I didn’t comprehend how painful and difficult grieving and loss can be until my father passed away not too long ago. I was miles away from home, studying for a quiz the next day when my mom and my sister messaged me. At first, I didn't understand what was happening… maybe I didn't want to understand it. Everyone was being vague so I kept being in denial. I just sat there while everyone was hugging me and saying comforting words.

Why? He’s not gone. We haven’t even seen him yet.

It was too difficult for me to face the permanency of death as well as the guilt and regret I felt when he had gone. I had a difficult time accepting it.

Why him? Why now? I could've done more. I could've given him more.

What could be the reason?

What is the better plan? I wanted to understand everything.

I questioned what I always believed in. The words that had always reassured me all of a sudden did not.

I’m not quite sure if it’s because of the repressed grief I have after years of loss and death in the family, but all of a sudden, everything that I heard from people during funerals started sounding absurd to me.

“He’s an angel in Heaven now. Don’t be sad.” But I was. I am. I am allowed to be sad, mourn, and process my emotions.

“It’s according to His will.”

“He’s in a better place.” Other than here at home, was there a “better place” for my dad to be at? I did not think so.

Ha.

Even though everyone is bound to experience loss and death in their life, I don’t think that anything can prepare anyone for it. One may feel every bit of helplessness, bitterness, remorse, sorrow, and worry for what’s to come, all at the same time, which makes it too much to handle.

Each time I learn of a family member’s passing, the feelings of emptiness and uneasiness grow.

Each time, I also have a greater awareness of how short and limited our time is here in this world.

It’s just one of the things we deal with as we go through life. It’s inevitable. Everyone has their time. However, being aware of that fact does not make grief less overwhelming or even make the experience of losing a loved one considerably easier.

Personally, time and life help in making me forget. Some days are better. It gets better.

This is not meant to offend anyone’s beliefs, by the way. What I’m trying to express is that grieving and mourning can make you feel and question a lot of things in life.

hello, this is aunizha! what did you think about today’s post? please feel free to let me know! also, from the bottom of my heart, thank you so much for taking the time to read this piece from me! ʚ♡ɞ

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