Realize When Your Wife Wants To Have Sex

Men! What the hell is wrong with women? They never initiate sex. Then when you stop initiating so much, because you think that’s what they want, they hit you with some left-field comment about you not being attracted to them anymore. This is because you’re not recognizing all the opportunities your wife is giving you to initiate sex. They are much much more frequent than you think. So let’s start translating.

1. “I love your mom, but sometimes she is, you know, a little much.”

Translation: “You must immediately tell your mother to get off my case about planning Madison’s first birthday party. I am this close to celebrating Madison’s birthday by getting drunk in my walk in closet while you and your mom try to figure out where we ordered the cake from. If you call your mom and tell her to lay off, I will feel warm and fuzzy and want to have sex.”

2. “I feel like you’re not paying attention.”

Translation: “I’m trying really hard not to start a fight but your eyes are glued to your smartphone like you’re looking at pictures of Emma Stone naked. WAIT OH MY GOD IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE DOING? If you put away your phone for the rest of the night, I will feel valued and close and I will want to have sex.”

3. “I feel like I always have to be the bad guy around here.”

Translation: “Our three year old just ate our betta fish. When you sit there and laugh it makes me want to murder you in cold blood. But if you come in like gangbusters and allow me to sit back and perhaps comfort our little pescetarian, I will want to have sex.”

4. “Maybe we should do something this weekend, just us.”

Translation: “Hey you know what would be a refreshing change? If one time in five years you got a babysitter on your own and planned a date night without my help. That would really make me not bitterly resent you. In fact, I might even want to have sex.”

5. “Nothing good is on TV.”

Translation: “And therefore, I would like to have sex.”

6. “I haven’t read a book since the baby was born.”

Translation: “I feel dumb and boring. Remind me that I graduated cum laude or something, in a subtle way. Then I will want to…

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